Sep 28, 2013

The world of the apple

It was a dark day the day Eve took a bite of the apple of knowledge and shared it with the clueless Adam. It was a dark day for we were chased out of the Garden of Eden.

Or so they say.

What if Eve and Adam were never actually chased away, but they just gained the senses that link us to this garden. They gained the sight and smell and ears to connect with this beautiful garden, they were never able to contemplate before.

The apple's bite was the key to the door of this whole new world we live in. Eve like Alice, took a bite and opened the transient door in the wonderland we find ourselves in.

Take a look around at the sun, and trees, at the stars and the sky, and the seas and the rivers, and the clouds.

And take a look around at the people loving and fighting and walking and running. Take a look at the animals flirting.

Take a look at the well oiled machine that is the universe under the laws of physics, and nature under the laws of both blinding and dark beauty, and the human society of people biking and walking and driving and flying and hiking to get somewhere.

The proverbial apple that ripped us apart of an Ideal world of heaven and heavenly things, opened a whole new world for us to live in.

Yes, I am CHON and stardust, and many other elements that link together out of mutual need to make my body consume the elements of earth and be dispersed on earth. I am connected physically and mentally with everything. I have no soul. I am soul.

The apple of knowledge or the fantastic idea of an Eden? I choose the apple all the time. I choose my mortality that makes me part of this endless universe, forever. I’m Eve’s daughter and I am the daughter of Earth. Nature’s offspring.

The world of ideas or the world so beautiful with both its hurt and laughter is a perpetual energy of struggle and love that connects us all as we individually go about our ways.

They tried to make the female one as the enemy to see this world as a transit world, and do the work of Sisyphus for them, in hope of a world of idea beyond that waited flight. We waited and waited for the Godot of the heavens and opened our graves instead of running around the train station like the happy children that we all actually are. Look around. Look at the fellow passengers. The train will never come, and if it does, it doesn’t matter. It matters that you’re here. That we’re all here, and it’s all so beautiful.

The female one gave birth and set roots to this earth. The male one connected with the offspring. We set the roots so we can enjoy the sun and the water swim in our blood and be whispered in our breath.
The female one chose mortality to pass her seed to the next generation and the next generation and so on, and here we are.

We were chased out of the Garden of Eden they told us, but we can actually truly enjoy the taste of its fruits now. And so can our children, and grandchildren and all the generations to come.


The wheels of time will turn, and the garden will stay. Always more beautiful. Always more colorful. And when we’re whispers long forgotten in the vast skies of time and space, we can say that we were part of it, and part of everything when we walked and played around in that small train station. 

Sep 23, 2013

The Great Gig in the Sky


The Great Gig in the Sky

When I was listening to this song looking at the blue sky I felt my soul flying free limitless in the transcendent universe, untrapped by space or time, or mortality. I felt what I was part of unconsciously, and yet fully.

But listening to this at night in a claustrophobic room, I could actually feel the scream within me beating senseless at the skin, trying to escape the walls within.

If I could hear all the inner screams, would I be overwhelmed at the point of shattering into pieces, or would I be able to expand and be part of everything, and take it all in. Would the massive We be able to actually share and endure the limitless pain by sharing it?

If we can enter our individual minds in a shared network of shared consciousness, would we be able to feel free when discovering we're not alone but connected by the same chemistry of pain and bars of mortality?

Would we be able to recognize the beauty and truly love the world and everyone in it if we shared our minds in a universal consciousness? Would selfishness be buried in the old unrelatable past of the egotistical lonely human we used to be? Could we possibly be happier within the song of the world, rather than limited within the note of this wing-flattering scream of the trapped bird-soul within us?

In light I can see the world made for humans, for the day was made for us to live in it. As soon as the night falls I feel the universe with its magnitude laugh at me. I hear within me the nearing end of my kind, for all species die out at some point in time. And in some far star, in the big big sky, we're already long gone.

What if we're just a memory of what we used to be, and we feel the pain of what we used to lack in a long gone memory?

What if the great gig in the sky is not our death but our ascension to the greatest song ever told? And what if this song of humanity can be sung throughout the ends of the universe as a scream to our creator, whatever that means, that we're here, that we're not alone anymore, that we made a song and the song will be sung, forever in the great big sky.

I don't know what's more petrifying to the golden bird in the golden cage...the prison throughout...or the infinity within....

Aug 26, 2013

If I Ruled the World

If I ruled the world, everyday would be the first day of Spring, every heart would have a new song to sing, and we'd sing of the joy every morning would bring. If I ruled the world, every man would be as free as a bird, every voice would be a voice to be heard...

That beautiful Tony Bennett song...I've always thought that was one of the saddest songs in the universe. I don't know how anyone could ever believe in God. Apart from the whole omni-trio paradox, of how an omniscient God with knowledge of everything, and omnipotent, with all the possible power in all reality, could ever be omnibenevolent. It's the paradox of the ages. For the world to its molecular levels, to its survival of the fittest reality in nature, and to the meaninglessness and evil we go through every day, cannot be a world ruled by a benevolent God.

Every day is painful in itself, every time we try to fight things beyond us, and every time dreams shatter in the floor making our feet bleed when we try to stand up and walk on, and even if we manage to make it through the day, we have to become numb to the reality that one third of the world is starving, one third is dying of any disease or war, and the other third has been infected with egotistical evil and need of power. How could anyone believe this world is ruled by a God.

If supernatural forces are at hand, they are evil forces that rule this planet, this universe, this reality, and we are all puppets being pulled from one direction to another. We are either the subject of evil or the object of evil. We are either causing pain or feeling it. And overall we are embraced by darkness.

In the face of the beautiful moon shining alone in my balcony in the open sky, I felt trapped. I felt trapped in my own life, in my own reality, in my own world. We are already trapped in our bodies and in our lives, and we trap ourselves in routines, and inside walls. We are slaves and enslavers of our own kind.

If I ruled the world every day would be the first day of spring
Every heart would have a new song to sing
If I ruled the world every man would be as free as a bird
Every voice would be a voice to be heard

My world would be a beautiful place
Where we would weave such wonderful dreams

The dream is more painful than the pain itself, for when it shatters it breaks every heart with it

Aug 8, 2013

The Dying Man

When I was walking my cute little carefree dog today, I stumbled upon a scenery of four very young children playing in their garden. That little scenery, that beautiful image of those four children in a rundown garden, were powerfully chiseled in my mind for some reason. I couldn’t understand why all my worries were suspended, they went away, that moment I saw the innocents playing farmer, frolicking about with the land. The science lover in me, rationalized my sudden love for children of strangers, as an evolutionary trait of the species. This trait we have is to protect our own species, the survival of our own genes, and the survival of the genes of our cousins and those of the same kind. We protect the young. Even in the animal world, we protect and we love the young. Maybe it really is evolution, but I just can’t describe that very short moment of bliss, and lack of worry, as if nothing I was going through was important at all, as long as those four children were alright, healthy, and grew up well. Their innocence captivated the old and withered soul I bear, especially lately, and washed away all years.

I lost my uncle, my only uncle, tonight. He was barely alive, living through atrocious pain, the worst disease in the world that can afflict a human. He’s not even my uncle, but since my mother had only sisters, my aunt told us to call and love her husband as our uncle. I loved him very much. The year that I lived with them in Greece, I fought with him so many times for stupid things, but I did love him very much. He was my uncle.

I remember when we were travelling somewhere when I was a child, more people than one car can take and I was sitting in the front sit with uncle. I remember that day he and dad came with Kalashnikovs to protect the women and the children in 1997, and he was wearing a Russian ushanka. Thinking about that little scene just makes me laugh while crying, and cry while laughing. I remember his glass he used for his daily frappe. That was his glass and not to be touched. I remember him spending hours concentrated on the TV while playing the lottery. I remember him always being with dad accompanying him while dad went from town to town to work, and he was dad’s chief, and dad was his chief. And I was the younger chief. I used to call dad Fred, and him Barney. They were Fred and Barney.

But Barney wasn’t Barney anymore. I couldn’t bear see him like that. I didn’t want to say goodbye, so I postponed meeting him until one week ago I decided to grow up and stop whining and go see him. I tried to comfort him. I tried to make it look as if he was fine. But he was dying. And he wasn’t content. He wasn’t ok with it. He wasn’t bargaining, or he wasn’t depressed. He wasn’t even angry, or whatever other stupid steps of grief there are. He was all of those things. He felt pity. He felt pity for himself. Just as we all do.

It is just such a pity that we come here, and we love people, and we meet people, and we create beautiful things, such as children, families. We come here and we put so much energy in this life. And then without a warning we’re given the red card. You’re out! It’s your time to leave. And we don’t want to leave, and we don’t want the people we love to leave either. But that’s life.

Looking at my dog, I feel jealous that he doesn’t know what death is.

At one moment I even started believing in a divine, and I don’t know whether it is a fluke, or a life changing moment.

When my grandfather died, I had seen him before in the hospital, but I didn’t go to say goodbye where the life force was leaving his body. I didn’t want to say goodbye.

I said goodbye without speaking a word to my uncle. Just as I had once caressed my grandfather’s white hair, feeling that he was so small and tender and sweet like a child, I did caress and kiss my uncle’s forehead. He was so small and so pitiful and I felt that I wanted to be stronger and bigger to take in his pain, but I couldn’t. We can’t share the pain of others, no matter how much we try. We all have enough to bear for ourselves. We’re full. We can’t take in anymore.

The things people say when people die. He finished. He passed away. He’s gone. I never understand why they can’t just say the word. I can’t say the word either. In any other circumstance you can say it, but when you lose a loved one that word is just so unbearable and too heavy to pronounce.
That last image of that thin man lying on a fetus position…the image of the children playing in the yard…my dog’s loving, comforting eyes…

It’s just life…that’s how it is. I lost an uncle. My aunt lost a husband. My father lost a friend. My cousin lost a father. His unborn child lost a grandfather she’ll never meet, just as I never met my granddad from mum’s side. And they will tell her stories of him. And I will tell her stories of him. I’ll tell her of this funny man who yelled Malacas at everything and everyone. I’ll tell her of this man who got super angry for I washed my sneakers in the washing machine once. I’ll tell her of my uncle who always made jokes, and made fun of dad. I’ll tell her of that man who my aunts called Koci, as a funny character from an old movie, when he first came to their house, and they used to laugh at that, as young girls often do. I’ll tell her of the man who died too soon and broke our heart with his passing. I’ll tell her of the man who one crazy day, in a crazy time in our shaky country, came with a Kalashnikov, wearing a Russian hat, feeling all manly, while looking so hilariously funny.  

Sometimes the images in our head, the memories that we store, carry such burden. I want to carry his memory for as long as I live and keep him alive. His life was important. What he did on this earth was the most important journey of the history of mankind, and the history of the universe, for all our lives and all our stories, and all our footprints on this earth are the most important stories, the most important footprints.

We live this life forgetting how we’re only passing passengers passing through, and we all stop one day, with burden and heaviness of the journey. I hope that when the soul leaves the body, if there is such a thing in any futuristic understanding of physics and biology, and whatever other science, I hope that the burden transforms into weight, into mass, into rich mass of love and beautiful energy. The children are so young and unburdened and we protect them so their stories can continue. We grieve the passing of those who lived, because life, no matter how long is never enough. The dying man is like a child, but a child with a burden…the burden of life…the burden of death…the self-pity for not being able to stick around and be healthy and happy…and the anger that the clock is stopping…and there’s nothing to do about it…

The dying man’s image is the most important image imprinted in my mind. For the innocent children might lift my burden with their light carelessness, but the dying man fills my soul with all the love and all the life and all the energy and story of a lifetime, and all the possibilities, and all the dreams, and the fantasies, and the desires, and the wishes…and all that a human is….The dying man is life itself. The face of the last stop. The end that contains all that ever was before it.

Rest in peace gentle soul. We will carry your legend, your story, your life, your soul for you. We will miss all that you never were, and all that you could had ever been, and all the seconds you didn’t get to breathe.


Rest gentle soul. We will carry your burden. We will carry your soul.  









Jul 25, 2013

My decade old music folder

I have no idea who the Porcupines or Portishead are, except for they can be found under P if I set my music folders in my computer to Alphabetic order.

I was trying to organize my music folder in my PC, so that I can find music I want to listen to when I’m depressed, I want to dance, or I want to sing a show-tune, more easily, without having to wait for YouTube to load, when I’m already streaming, or downloading, or uploading, or whatever other thing that makes my very poor internet busy. What I found were interesting stuff, such as bands I can’t remember, or I just remember by name, but for the love of [me] I can’t remember one single song that they ever played. There is a collection that has been passed from computer to computer by me from many years. Some folders have been brutally murdered to the recycle bin, and then forever and ever after emptied from there, but a great number of songs and folders I really can’t remember where they came from, have remained.

See, the last CD I ever bought was Backstreet Boys, where that “Show me the meaning of being lonely” song was, (I really can’t remember the album’s name), and that CD wasn't a CD, but it was a cassette. I don’t have any apple product, and I actually refrain myself from opening any credit card, so I don’t buy anything on iTunes. I am a pirate, a true pirate, and have been for the longest time. The truth is I come from a third world country, and what I make is laughable everywhere in the world, so I do take advantage of whatever illegalities there are that don’t get me punished (unless PRISM is reading this), so that I can get some entertainment. I do support my favorite artists though, anyway I can, trying not to spend as much if any.

Anywho, my point is, in my music folders I find the torrented discography of Radiohead (sorry Radiohead, I love you so much, but I really can’t afford to buy anything, and I will go to your concerts as soon as I can), and many other discographies of favorite rock or indie bands obtained in less than an hour in such a way. Torrent, thou shall be blessed, or something like that. And I know these, I can actually find the time I added them on my mega playlist.

And some music I have gotten from my brother in law, who was my first music guru when I was 16, such as copied CDs and then turned to files (Velvet Underground, Cramps, Alice in Chains, Green Day).

I have no idea how I ended up with a Bossa Nova folder. It must be something remaining in my playlist when we were trying to find ambiance music for our restaurant.

And there’s a Rufus Spencer folder, that I downloaded legally, with their permission, that reminds me of last summer when a few Nordic bands came to place in this nowhere country and we had a lot of fun.

The Starsailor discography that I listened on a loop two summers ago, gazing at the sea, slightly caressed by a shiver of moonlight, feeling lonely, and every time I go to the sea, I remember that music and I relive those feelings as if that water never moved and was imprinted in the shore forever to haunt me forevermore.

And I do have a lot of soundtrack music, from favorite shows or movies (Empire Records, The Royal Tenenbaums, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, because I freaking love that film and the music, or Mad Men, for that Mad Men party I actually never went to, and Scrubs OST, because that show had the best music, or Veronica Mars OST, they are close, and a lot of Japanese or Korean shows soundtracks, which are really very very good if you want to cry your eyes out).

I do have a really weird collection, I have Chopin and Paganini, and an entire folder of Christmas music, that most people never heard of, because it takes a long time to decorate a tree, and there’s no way that can be done without Christmas music, and because there was a time I was working for the MAN instead of freelancing as now, and listening to Christmas music in December was the only way I could feel slightly alive.

I tend to delete diaries, or I tend to hide them and never see them again, as I just don’t want to remember the silliness or the strength of the emotion I went through that period of time, or I just don’t want to hear the whiny voice in the words of that younger self of mine, but who needs diaries when you have a decade old music folder where a lot of memories have been thrown together violently and mingled like waves in a big ocean of some happiness and experimentation, but mostly sadness and regret.

I never liked Portishead, or Porcupine, for the love of me again, I can’t remember one song of these P listed bands that stand so close with my beloved Pixies and Placebo, and yet they ended up in my music folder, because half a decade ago, a loved one helped me out putting a playlist together for a 16 hour bus trip I was going to take. The music was first transferred in my Sony Ericsson phone (can’t remember more details) and probably later were transferred in my PC. I used to really spend those 16 hour trips alone in shaky roads making up stories and dialogues…waste of time that was.

I delete diaries, and e-mails, and probably one day I will delete all of this music, and yet there’s something about music that can never be deleted. Words said and written can be forgotten, but music sounds waves that leave you for a while, but later return with the same burden you embarked them with.

Every time I listen to Creep or Wish you Were Here, or Blower’s Daughter, I remember where I was when I was listening non-stop to them and I can see a glimpse of what I felt in a distorted mirror reflection of the past me. (On this note, I don’t think Narcissus drowned because he loved his reflection too much, I think he drowned because the more he came to terms with who he was, the more the water pulled him in, to his death).

Music is the most powerful time machine ever built. Music is the most powerful mirror linking you to the time past. And it can be frightening if you stand looking for too long.

In the midst of memories that get lost in all the mess that is in our neuro-pathways, some sleepy neurons light up when they get tingled by a note, by a voice, by a song, and they light up halls and corridors that you had locked up somewhere, or that you had just forgotten they even existed, and then you remember that your memories that you usually find so cold and impersonal , weren't imprinted by some creepy dudes as in Dark City, but are actually yours, and you actually lived, and you actually have lived, a lot, for better or worse. 

Jul 17, 2013

If I had one wish I would wish for the cure to cancer



Talia Castellano was a 13 year old girl who "won the battle against cancer for 6 years". She recently past away and left her family, friends and fans around the world, devastated.

In her short life she did what she wanted to do, what she liked to do. She gave make-up tutorials on You Tube gaining fans and friends around the world, met Ellen Degeneres who became her biggest fan, became a Covergirl, interviewed celebrities, gave interviews herself. Her biggest success was bringing beauty to this world. Talia transformed herself into a butterfly. She was her own Make a Wish Foundation. She never looked like a victim, she never showed the signs of cancer in her beautiful skin. Make-Up was her wig, she said.

Talia inspired not only children or people with cancer, but people all around the world who feel that their life is meaningless, or who feel that they are going through something terrible. She inspired all of us to live life for as long as we have it, not to take life for granted, to make our dreams come true, and to make our life worth, because we're here, we're healthy for now, and we owe it to the world to start every day that is a gift, with a smile, and with a purpose.

Life is so short, if you live 13 years, or 100. Time is meaningless if it is counted on the number of its beats. Time's measure is the power of the sound of its beats. Talia's time beat a powerful sound.

Talia had one wish. Her wish was for the cure of cancer. And I wish whoever hears her message, all the people that got to know her through the internet, all of our Time's beats can amplify a message across the universe and wish her wish to come true. And I wish that our Time's unified Beat can "Bend the spoon", so that we can make it happen together, so that we can bend a universe to our own liking, a universe without cancer.

Make every second count. Make every second beat a powerful and beautiful sound, for Talia.

Jul 9, 2013

The Meaning of Life in a Simulated Universe

There's a theory by a physicist called Martin Savage, that our universe is in fact simulated, not even matrix style with physical forms of humans running the simulation somewhere, but entirely simulated. I will not even bother pretending to understand the physics or the mathematics behind this theory, but assuming that any of it is in fact true, what would it mean for us, and what is the meaning of life in this simulated universe?

If we are in fact simulated, we still exist, we still have a form of life or intelligence, as you may call it and at least within our universe, or within our human society, we have inalienable rights. Maybe for other life forms, who aren't simulated we are not important, and we do not have rights, but within our simulated reality we do have laws, and rights. Now imagine that a universe that is simulated creates a simulation, and that simulation creates a simulation and so forth. Maybe to us the simulation is just a simulation, but our own reality (even though simulated) is real to us.

Let's not talk about religion and soul, because that is at this point below us, and let's go to a more philosophical discussion about what life is. So far to us life is matter made of CHON characterized by cells as its building blocks, metabolism, growth, reproduction, adaptation, response to stimuli, but what if life out there in the universe, alien life form so to speak, does not have these characteristics, do we call it life? And what do we call intelligent life? To us, homo sapiens, are intelligent life forms, but maybe to other life forms more intelligent than us we are not, and we do not have the inalienable rights so to speak, and their laws of society, if they live in society, do not include us.

Now we are creating life and by creating life I am not talking about cloning, or creating a cell from scratch, I am talking about computers that run partially with living cells, or that are very complicated computers who can think for themselves, or what we may call cyborgs or Artificial Intelligence. Will we consider complicated computers, robots, AI, that are capable of thinking, learning, and capable of emotional activity, machines, or will our society evolve and call them life forms as well? After all we ourselves are computers created from stardust with the passage of time. Since the concept of life and intelligent life can be changed through time, who are we to say, that a simulated universe we may create isn't in some form real, and its simulated beings aren't alive? And who are the "beings" who simulated this universe, if this universe is in fact a simulation, to say that we are not alive. The concept of life is very complex, and once we start actually thinking about what we have in front of us instead of dreaming about the soul that we apparently, and only we have, we will start to understand that we are very prejudiced and we might hope that if we were created by an intelligent species, or if we are visited by an intelligent species out there, they are more advanced and less prejudiced than us.

Even if we are just computer data, we think, love, create music and poetry, and even if all of this is in fact a simulation, within our perspective, it is real, and in the end, that's all that counts.

Within just our own society, without bringing aliens, or the real humans or beings that created us if in fact we are simulated, there's a whole new philosophical debate in an advanced world, that our society is creating, but is not ready to deal with yet. As we create intelligent simulated, or artificial life, we are creating a very complicated future, in which the race of humans created by the earth through evolution, and humans created by humans as computer, cyborgs, machines, or AI, clash. We will have to deal with the issue of what is in fact life and intelligent life very soon, sooner than we thought, and as it always is, technology advances faster than society is capable of catching up with it. Very soon the debate will rise whether androids are in fact alive, and whether they should have the same rights, and whether they can marry humans, and whether they can be called humans. And soon, sooner than we can expect, technology might advance so that an android can procreate, and not just within its own race, but with humans. As far along the line it may seem, it is something that we will have to deal as a society much sooner than we thought. We might in fact ourselves become half humans, half computers, as nano-technology progresses, and we take the next step in computer technology and create a biological bond with our computer devices, internet and social media. We are all going to be chipped as a matter of fact, sooner than we think, either because we want an upgrade, or because the rules and expectations of society will convince us to, or because a form of law and government may force us to. What will the meaning of life be when we let our neurons synapse with a network of artificial intelligence?

From a biological perspective, we said that what we define life is matter of CHON that grows, reproduces, is organized, metabolizes, responds to stimuli, adapts, but from a philosophical point of view what do we call life and what do we call human, and what do we call a life of meaning? We will one day stop being human, we will evolve to something else, and the philosophical debate of what is life, and what is intelligent life, and what is the meaning of life, will not be comprehensible to us anymore. At this point in time, and at a near point in time, if we were to accept as a matter of fact clones, androids, and alien humanoid creatures, or interspecies humanoid creatures as humans, the definition of humanity itself will have to change, and yet there will be in this society a set of rules and limitations (how human of us), more expanded than now, but still limited, of what is life, what is intelligent life, and what is human. If we were to discuss what it means to be human, most people would come up with: free will, love, capability of learning and thinking for oneself, capability of empathy and social bonding, appreciation of art, music, literature, curiosity, exploration, change, evolution, adaptation. Any creature of nature or laboratory that would be capable of any of these qualities and more, will enter in the society of humans. Any creature that we will be able to feel empathy for will be called life. The meaning of life, the meaning of intelligent life, and the meaning of human, will expand in time, but it will most probably, always be limited. One concept that will last longer than any other concept in humanity will most certainly, even if not without a doubt, be the concept of the barbarian, that which is not like us, that which is not included in our sphere of empathy and understanding. More and more barbarians will be included in our circle as we evolve, but the prejudice will last for as long as we have human DNA, and human data.

Through this essay I have attempted to figure out the meaning of life to us humans in a world that is far different from what we are used to. With the expansion of our knowledge of the universe, and with the advancement of our technology, we may encounter ideas and concepts foreign to us now, that will be more familiar later. The philosophical debate of the meaning of life will continue and it will expand the more we know about ourselves and what surrounds us. There's no lesson to be learned from this essay, such as, we have to hold on to our humanity for as long as we can, and to our understanding of life as long as we can. If there was some kind of a lesson, it would be that our concepts and ideas aren't eternal and they change, and our prejudice also changes with time. The more we find out about ourselves the more we recreate the meaning of life. If we are in fact computer data, and if we are to ever prove it, we will have to deal with what the meaning of life is, and build this meaning around this reality. If we aren't computer data but real humans of flesh and blood and thought we will continue to build our meaning and concept of life around it. When we integrate artificial intelligence, and artificial life around us, we will again build our concept and meaning of life around it. And when we become pure energy and pure consciousness we will, or might again build our meaning of life around it. If there is a conclusion to be made in this rationale, is that we can only make an assumption and come up with a conclusive answer and result, by computing the data that we have at hand, and the more data we receive, and as the data changes, so will the final computation, calculation of the equation of the meaning of the universe and life be changed.

If we were data in a matrix of data, a simulation of a higher or similar form of being that is trying to figure out itself and its universe as Savage theorizes, we will have to build our concept and meaning of life around it. In a simulated universe, we are still alive, and we are still intelligent, as long as we compute the data and we interpret the data as real. Even in a simulated universe, and as simulated life forms, we are as a matter of fact real and the same meaning of life that revolves around a real universe, will revolve around this complicated computer.

Just think, next time when you meet an android, an AI life form, now, or in a few decades, we can all be some kind of AI too, so who's to judge what's alive, and what's not. Life, intelligent life, humans and concept of humanity, and the meaning of life itself, in a simulated universe, or in a "real" universe, whatever real means, will always evolve and transform. As we change faster than we ever did, we might as well start to expand our horizons, and to rid ourselves more of our prejudice and limitations. 

Apr 21, 2013

Birthdays are not happy occasions at all


I’ve been feeling very low lately, because of my birthday coming up. I love my birthday month, I plan trips on my birthday month, I plan on having tattoos, or piercings, or losing weight, making career plans, and remembering my last year of life that past. When it comes to the actual day it’s different.  
My family has been through something of an ordeal the last 5 years. Every time I try to be happy or try to forget the problems that my family has had, they fall on me and I don’t get a chance to really be happy, or to at least live a normal life. This year, I just had a small wish that the series of problems that we've had for the past 5 years, maybe, just maybe were going to be solved before my birthday, so that I could maybe, be happy on my birthday. My birthday will be in half an hour, and yet another year of my life will begin with this huge cloud drowning me. And that is why I've been down, so much down lately. My favorite book Three Comrades of Remarque starts with Robert Lohkamp on his birthday, writing down all the birthdays he could remember and where he was in them. I’d like to do that, even though I don’t have horrific war stories.

2012 I was in Barcelona with my friend Kamela. I wanted to escape the country, because I didn't want to celebrate it, I didn't want to have any expectations on that day, especially because it was an anniversary, 25 years. Kamela and I went out before midnight and went to a place that served tapas and beer so we had a cute time there. That day we went to a nice place in the evening. It was nice to have my birthday in Barcelona, even though I missed my family. But then my sister did a number on me. A few days after I came back home, she had planned an impromptu birthday party for me and basically tried at the last minute to invite whoever she could find, friends and acquaintances and family. At first, this person who doesn't like being in the center of attention was completely surprised, and not in a good way, but alcohol and the presence of the karaoke machine, lowered the pressure and I had a good time. The funny part was that I was supposed to go on a first date that day, which I had to push. That whole thing went…well…another train wreck.

2011 I wanted to go out with my family, but my parents were leaving town and they weren't exactly in a good mood. I went out with my sister at the Japanese restaurant. My parents not being there and my overly depressive dad’s face weighed on me all day.

2010 I spent my birthday at home with some people coming over. I remember crying that day. I don’t know exactly why, but it must be because nothing was as it was supposed to be.

2009 I was preparing myself for a career fair at school. I did get a job because of that career fair, the worst job in the world that humiliated me and crushed my self-confidence for a year and half. I was writing resumes and preparing for the career fair and wasn’t in the mood to celebrate at all. I just wanted to find a job as soon as possible so I could start helping out at home, or at least stop weighing on them. I didn’t care what job I was going to start, I just needed a job. I guess I had something like a family dinner.

2008 I think I went out at Serendipity with family and my friend Migena. It was the year before the robbery that took all of my family’s money and other people’s money from us. It was before things were so fucked up that I would want to quit school and would not even want to go out with friends or date, or even be able to feel like a normal person who can socialize or understand other people who didn’t have grave problems like my family did. But that day I wasn’t very happy. My new boyfriend had forgotten my birthday and he hadn’t called me or texted me or emailed me or anything. I forgave him, I’m an idiot.
2007 My twentieth. Family at the Durrës house. I had my tatoo, I had a cute dress, I had the nice cake with the candles and the lyrics of a song about being 20 in my cake. I had a great time that day.
2006 Oh my, I remember. I went out with my best friend Elda and my boyfriend of the time. I don’t like remembering that relationship. I was so clueless towards my friend and so awful breaking up with him later that year.
2005 18, that’s a good year. I’ve no clue how I celebrated it. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe I took some friends out for coffee at Real Skampini, the coffee shop in the middle of the castle of the town, on a sunny day. I don’t know if that was 2005 or 2004 No clue.
2003 Sweet 16. Big birthday party. My whole class, I think that was the last time I had a big birthday party with just friends. It took me two hours to get my hair done, my classmates were surprised I could actually pull off a skirt, and I have no idea where the hell my camera went. It was a nice little club. It was a great collection of music, and a lot of dancing. I miss those days when we actually went to a club to dance, not to hump the table while looking like whores. I think my best friends at the time were talking about the party for the whole month until it happened.
2002 No idea
2001 I think I had a birthday party with my class at a place near the house. We actually had fun.
The others before than that, I can’t really remember, I know I did have a couple of birthday parties at our house with classmates, the big Elbasan house that we sold. That was a good house. I used to be so thin. I have no idea where photographs of these events are but they are imprinted in my mind. I know that in one of those birthday parties a couple of Kosovar classmates came at my party. It was the year the Albanian population doubled when the war of Kosovo struck out. I heard about genocide for the first time as something real, not from the history books. Before that I thought I lived in an era where wars didn’t exist anymore. I used to have this stupid concept in my mind that people of my era, of my generation were somehow evolved and didn’t believe in wars or hate, or racism anymore. It took me a long time to realize that there are homophobes, and racists, and wars in the world. That’s what happens when you watch too much TV but no news. I was such a happy child.
As for today, Happy Birthday to me I guess. But that’s no day more depressing than a birthday, to an adult. It’s a day that gives you so much pressure and expectations, a day that is supposed to be about you, a day that is supposed to be a celebration of your life. I didn’t go to a war like Robert Lokamp and I did have some good birthdays, but that bastard met Patrice Hollman, the love of his life later that day. What did he have to complain about?  Maybe if I liked Rum and I had a crazy friend like Gotfried Lenz, I could actually try and celebrate the day of my birth, but then again, I really feel like there’s not so much worth celebrating, not this year. I’m alive, whoopdeedoo.  

Apr 4, 2013

Within Human Limitations

My brain and my sister's brain work in completely two different directions. She is smart in things I am completely lacking, and I understand concepts that aren't her forte. She's not very interested in philosophy, she's much more practical in her thinking, but people's brains work sometimes in ways that they aren't conscious about, and she did say something very beautiful the other day, that got me thinking, about my dog being happy of being a dog.

Allow me to explain: My mother, who has recently in the last year discovered that she loves dogs, or at least, she loves our dog, despite being completely against them her whole life, pities him sometimes, thinking that he doesn't get much out of life because he's not human. And that is what she was saying the other day when the three of us were hanging out; she said that she pities Yuki, our puppy, who was snoozing in the corner of the room, because he couldn't understand what we were saying or doing, or basically, just because he wasn't human. And my sister in that moment, uttered something very clever, about how we shouldn't pity him, because to the dog being a dog and doing dog things is great and enough.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of human knowledge and human perception of reality being obviously limited, and with my thirst for knowledge, despite my procrastination tendencies into acquiring it, is saddened by the limitations of the three dimensions and the limitations of our human perspective. Neil deGrasse Tyson, who is one of the most brilliant minds alive, as I cannot really use the word of our generation, regarding the age difference between me and him, was explaining in a science blog interview for the Huffington Post, with the nerdist Cara Santa Maria, about the idea of the fourth dimension, and other dimensions. He explained how the easy way to understand the idea of other dimensions beyond our human understanding, is by seeing things at a lower level. Basically an insect that cannot fly, confined in a two dimensional space, in a square shaped prison, is walking around the confined area, going towards the wall, being unable to cross it, and than going back and towards the other walls, but still confined. If that insect were to see above, and if that insect were to be able to fly, it would pretty much discover the third dimension. But the insect doesn't, the insect cannot. This very simple experiment of thought, serves to show us, that we are limited in our perception of reality, and the way we are made, we are unable to perceive beyond what our human DNA entitles us to perceive. Aliens can perhaps perceive much more, other dimensions, and they can see much more beyond. To aliens we could be a lower species he was saying, and not worthy of being considered intelligent, as we like to call ourselves, and than not even the smartest human is worthy to have a conversation with. As a matter of fact Tyson was explaining, the difference in DNA, between us and chimps, is very little, we share most of the genetic code, and than there is a slight difference, but this slight difference makes all the difference that makes us capable of music, poetry, philosophy, science, etc. A very slight difference between us and aliens, who knows what other talents, or what other activities, and capabilities that we cannot even begin to understand, can a slight difference make happen in evolved humans, or aliens. I was loving this way of thinking as I was watching the tv show Fringe those days, where some evolved humans of the future could walk through time, and some even more evolved humans, could see beyond different timelines.

When I was hearing all the above, at first I felt quite saddened about our limitations, and the fact that we cannot ever, ever, ever understand beyond our limitations, and we cannot communicate with a species of higher intelligence than us. We can barely make a simple conversation with people like Tyson who have higher levels of IQ than the rest of us, and can understand concepts the human with average intelligence can't, let alone a whole different species, that is more intelligent than us, as much as we are more intelligent than chimps. But than I realized that in this universe so vast and big, that probably isn't the only universe, that we can see only in very small percentage of it, if you can actually have a percentage on something infinite, has many more intelligent species that are higher in intelligence than others, and so on. What I am responsible of, is understanding and comprehending the universe around me, within my limitations, be that of DNA, and/or of intelligence. Within these limitations I have thousands of lifetimes worth of exploration, and I should be happy about the great gifts of poetry, music, art, science and philosophy I can enjoy.

The practical mind of my sister, had quite simply reached the conclusion, that I had to walk around the world through China to get it, that the dog is a dog, and the human is a human, and the higher intelligent alien species is an alien, and we are happy within our limitations. We don't feel sad because we cannot do the things we do not even know they exist. What the hell does a dog know about philosophy, doesn't make him unhappy. He likes to chew his bone, sniff the world around him, and pee in as many bushes as possible, and that makes him happy. Just because he cannot watch an episode of the Voice on tv, doesn't mean that he is sorry that he cannot comprehend what his human friend can. He just doesn't know about it.

On a broader perspective, what this got me thinking is about everything transcendental, and especially about what humans like to call God. We cannot perceive God, and yet we have created such a mystical being to be able to comprehend what's in the shadow beyond the light, what's beyond the cave of human thought. There will always be God, or something like God, for as long as humans are limited in their perceptions, and humans, just like every other creature, every other existence will always be limited. That's how the universe was built. Water will always be made of two hydrogens and one oxygen, and that is how the universe is built. with formulas, with codes, with limits of "identity". We are all programmed, built a certain way, and we are what we are within ourselves. If death transforms us into something else in a different dimension, we as humans cannot know anything about it, and as something else that we will be transformed in, will not care about being human anymore, we will in fact not be humans anymore. We cannot care, about what's beyond. What we need to care about is within our limitations of perception. Of course, rationally, and step by step, we will explore to overpass as many limitations as possible, but we cannot jump the shark and think about things we cannot perceive, beyond human reason.

Believing in God, is probably a good healing method for some, but I would recommend to people, to believe in things they can see, touch, smell, taste, hear, because these are the senses we were given. And maybe we have other senses that we will discover in next generations, and maybe we will be able to have a sixth and a seventh eye into another dimension, but for now, let's focus in what we can really perceive, and stop worrying about what we were, and what we will become, in an afterlife. Life is here, in this planet, in three dimensions, in the now. It is not in the past and it is not in the future. Life for us is within these three walls of the tree dimensions, and we cannot travel through time, and we cannot go to a dimension of heaven, or hell, or purgatory or whatever. We are here, now, at this moment, at this place, within these walls. Let the journey of our existence take its course, and let us not worry about the beyond. Everything will happen as it was supposed to happen. We are too tiny to take on the world and the universe, and the all-existence. Let us focus in what's on our hands, rather than speculate nonsense about things that aren't within our knowledge, or our control. Imagination, yes, is more important than knowledge, as it allows us to travel to lands that are beyond what we've conquered, but let us not let our imagination take over us, making us lose perspective. Let us use imagination as a way to explore the beyond, not as a way to lose ourselves in the beyond.

My dog is happy to be a dog. And I am happy to be a human. And you know why? Because frankly, I do not know otherwise. I don't have a God. I don't worry about death. I don't worry about the future, about the past, or about more intelligent species. I don't even worry about all the smells my dog can smell that I can't. What I worry about is within my DNA, within my brain, within my capabilities, and that is a lot of free space. Even though I am in jail, it is a jail so vast, I can walk for thousands and millions of lifetimes and not be able to cross it, so in the end, this jail, to me, is some sort of freedom. Let us be humans, and let us stop worrying about Gods and about the afterlife. Life is already too busy to worry about other things.

Feb 18, 2013

Cloud Atlas and the meaning behind the comet shaped birthmark

I don't know whether this has been discussed or not, and how the story actually goes in the book, but as far as the film goes, I don't think that the comet shaped birthmark represents the reincarnations of one soul in different bodies throughout human history as I have read or heard from some journalists or interpreters of the film Cloud Atlas.

Here's my theory regarding the comet birthmark. I believe that the people who have the comet birthmark in the film, aren't the same soul reincarnated, but are actually different souls that have their turn to play a particular, important role in that time of the human history. There is a connection between these people, through time and space, and in the end, this connection, is ultimately a journey of humanity into another world.

The first one to have the birthmark is Ewing. He goes through a personal adventure, in which he has to make an important choice, that will in turn save his life, as well as make him a kind of a hero in his time. He will choose to save Autua, who will in turn save him, and this experience will make him decide on what is the important role that he has in his life, which is, work for the abolition of slavery. Our lives are not our own - his life, after a very important meeting, he gives it to an important cause, which is the most important cause in his Epoque, of people fighting against the Establishment, and those who do not want to mess with the Natural Order (the characters played by Hugo Weaving, Hugh Grant). He writes a Diary, which becomes a book about his adventures.

The second to have the birthmark, is in fact Frobisher, who reads exactly that diary. In some sort of cosmic, time-crossing kind of way, Frobisher's and Ewing's lives intertwine. It's some sort of rite of passage that Ewing gives Frobisher to continue his adventure. Frobisher is in love with Sixsmith, and throughout the film we see him connect with Jocasta and Vyvyan, but I don't think any of those loves are what he's talking about in his suicide note. I think he's talking about a far greater love, that is his sextet, his music, his creation, that he knows deep in his heart, it's far greater than him, far greater than life, it's in fact the story of all these people meeting again and again in different times, and through their choices, shaping the future of humanity. It's in fact the music of love that connects people to fight for a better world, and for the continuity of all that's good in human kind, that kind of love. Sixsmith, it's his inspiration, his soul mate if you will, and the cloud atlas sextet is his poem about this love, that transcends all time and space, love he has for Sixsmith, but also the love of all these souls that shape humanity. 


Frobisher creates this magic music piece that is a mathematic, musical, and time-infinite expression of the human adventure in different periods of time (considering that time is infinite, past, future and present, are all happening at the same time in the immense universe). The music he creates, I'm sure Vyvyan Ayrs might have dreamt it, getting a glimpse, a window opening of the future, in the dream about the waitresses with the same faces (In the Somni time period), because it's timeless and it represents all of them, but he, unlike Frobisher does not understand it. He wants to own it, he doesn't care about the rite of passage (We are all meeting again and again in different times), he cares to make a name out of it. But Frobisher knows the importance of life after death, he doesn't care that there is no way he can have a successful life at his time. His most important duty is to create this piece of music, that he knows it's important, as it is an anthem to something far greater than him, this cloud atlas sextet is a musical description, summary of all the connections between these souls who antagonize or love each other in different times, but together have ultimately an important role in human history.

As a matter of fact Frobisher sends the letters to his one true love Sixmith, describing his adventure, and he also creates this masterpiece. And who else but Luisa Rei, the next carrier of the birthmark would ultimately come across these letters, and also the music? She knows she has heard the music piece, not only because she was Ayr's wife in another life, but because this music is about her, as it is about all these souls, and all their incarnations, and she knows that the music is important. Sixsmith knows and feels that his meeting with Luisa is important after seeing the birthmark, that is why he is sure to contact her and trust her with his important task. Luisa comes across the letters, she feels that we all make the same mistakes over and over again, she feels that those letters are more than the story of one person, but they are repetition of the human experience which happens again and again and again, and that she was ultimately meant to read them. There's a reason for everything, and if our rational brain cannot comprehend our role in this world, something more than a birthmark shows us the way, an instict. After all maybe the mind unlike the human body is connected with everyone else and everything else around the universe, across all time and space in ways that we cannot really comprehend, stapled on this material world. Luisa was meant to read the letters, just like Frobisher was meant to read Ewing's book. She is inspired by the letters and ultimately by the music to carry out her part of the deal, her rite of passage in fighting the evil, the natural order, passing the limits, the challenges, and winning human freedom, by saving thousands, or hundreds of thousands of lives, in her adventure to get the research about the nuclear power public. Hugh Grant and Hugo Weaving are again the protectors of the evil, and the natural order. And we see Tom Hanks' soul-character, Isaac, for the first time come to his senses and see and meet his soul mate, which he has met in past and future (remember time is endless, it's not linear, it's cyclical). Through this meeting he is convinced to make an important choice, he was afraid to make before. This meeting inspires him to give Luisa Rei the research, before he is killed. He knows when he meets her, that something far greater than him was happening. Luisa Rei's story as we are led to believe by her conversation with the little spy novels loving kid as they read her expose on the paper, was most probably going to be made into a book.

Again, my theory is that Cavendish is reading exactly that book. he is connecting with Luisa Rei through her book, and as we are let to know he is the carrier of the birthmark (it's in his leg). I don't think he is a reincarnation, he was probably born when Luisa Rei was still alive if you do the math, but that doesn't mean that there's a plothole. Again I don't think they are reincarnations, I think they are important chess stones that play their part in this grand domino effect, and if you are just a little bit spiritual, intelligent design. Cavendish goes through a little adventure of his own, where he has to pursue freedom against the people who want to take it away from him. He has to live through the incarceration, because that is important for the grand scheme of things, of destiny. His little experience will inspire him, to write a book about it, a book, that was ultimately made into a film. His role was exactly to make that film.

The other carrier of the birthmark, is Somni. We see that when her collar is taken off from Halle Berry's Asian male character. Somni is inspired by Cavendish's film, it is her first realization that she doesn't have to be incarcerated, abused, that she is human, free, and thus her journey to be part of the revolution and tell people of 2144 that clones are humans too, that our lives are not our own, that we play part in the life or lives we have by the connections we make, the people we meet. Yes we are all in fact drops that make a multitute of the ocean. It is only together that we make the whole. That is why the connections that we make are important, because together we are fated to create our unique, universal and shared destiny. Somni is captured ultimately and killed, but she is able to tell her story and register her message in so many places. She is sure that when we die we close a door and open another, and we can meet again and again in different time periods and different incarnations. Somni's role is important. Her message is registered as I said in this tower. Ages later after a sort of apocalypse has fallen upon humans and the earth has become little by little a harsher place to live, her message was there. My theory is that the people of the Valley where Zachry was from, their ancestors had seen that message, and that it was passed from generation to generation until people thought Somni was a deity. (If you see carefuly the same place where Somni was captured, is the place where Zachry and Meronym go to send the message to another planet, another star).

As we see in the end Zachry has the comet birthmark this time (his balding head as an old grandpa). His role was prominent to save Meronym, to send the message, to assure that humans would continue to live on and not be extinct, to ensure that humans could pass on the gene-line of generations and generations past (there are more ways to reincarnate, I believe that the DNA and not just the energy-soul, where the information of our ancestors is stored in us, is important for the humanity to continue, and for the story of human kind to continue). Zachry and Meronym are able to go to this new land, this new planet, where in fact a galaxy of stars seen by that planet, looks in shape a lot like the comet shaped birthmark Ewing, Frobisher, Luisa, Cavendish, Somni and Zachry have. It was in fact a map of the new world Frobisher was talking about (I believe we'll meet again in a new world). And I don't really know how it may continue, whether others' souls of this map of people-souls entrenched together can also now reincarnate in this new world, through the energy, or through gene-line, but I do feel that the journey of one human, is the journey of all humanity, and all humanity was meant to travel to this far away galaxy and continue our existence in a new world. The important part is that human kind, through this domino effect of events of the people who held the comet shaped birthmark, was able continue its existence in another world, that the birthmark had described. Who had the birthmark, had the most important role in that particular time to make something important in their generation, that would inspire the next generation's person with the birthmark to do the same, thus ultimately having Zachry send Meronym to the mountain and have the people from outter space come and rescue us.

So as a summary - Ewing had the first birthmark, he had an adventure that changed his life and destiny, he wrote a book about it, that was read by Frobisher who had the birthmark, who was so inspired by him, that he created the beautiful music and wrote about his little adventure to Sixmith. Luisa read those letters, and she knew they were important, she heard Cloud Atlas because of it and she knew it was important, she had the birthmark, she had a great adventure to save people, she wrote the story and the book about it. Cavendish had the birthmark, and read Luisa's book. Was he probably inspired by it to want and pursue a life of freedom, and even write himself? I think so. He knew it was important that he wrote the story, the book, and that it was made into a film, and that film was watched by the next person with the birthmark, Somni. Somni was inspired by the film to make her revolution and leave a message of the connectedness between humans, and how important our lives are to give them to the people next to us. Zachry who saw her first as a deity, and followed her preaching, and then saw her message in the mountain playing, knew his role to help Meronym, and made the right choice by helping out Meronym, and thus played his part into saving humanity and sending them to this new world.

What is an Ocean but a multitude of Drops. We are all drops of this human multitude, we connect time after time with each other. Every meeting we make, turns our life in a certain direction. Perhaps the choices we make, we were meant, or written to make in the first place, but we still have to make those choices, and play that part to make it all happen. What is all? It's our history as humans, our history as beings, conscious on this earth. Maybe there's more than just us, but we, as small as we are, we do have a role to make it all happen, all that is supposed to happen. It's our role to fight against what our enemies, suppressers of freedom and love call the natural order. If it feels right, if it feels that we have a duty to do something, a mission, to play our small part in this world, to make it better, that is our part to play, and we should give our lives to that part. Our lives are not our own. We belong together on this earth, in this universe, in this multiverse. That is what Cloud Atlas inspired me to, and all of us, even though we don't have a particular birthmark, a rite of passage to ensure humanity's travel to a better world, we still are chess pawns, in a good way, in this grand intelligent scheme, in this grand cloud atlas. So if there is a lesson to be learned, from this beautiful piece of art, to me, it is, make sure to live your mark on this earth, someone will follow your steps, to continue the journey, and that is how we become immortal, by being part of humanity's lineage, by being part of humanity's Ocean. 

Feb 14, 2013

Universal Truth, Individual Comprehension


I have this feeling of completeness and of sudden realization lately, as if I have discovered one, if not the most important truth in our universe. I feel as if I have been birthed by a cocoon into a free butterfly and I am flying towards the sun, ready to touch every flower I encounter and give them life.
It’s more than a religious, or a spiritual, or a scientific awakening. It’s a personal realization that has been built from the inside, from the cross-reference of my individuality with happenings or events, as well as with signs given by books, music, films, or even a conversation with a stranger. All I know is that I have never been so certain in my life about my, and our place here on earth, and that I do believe that there is one truth, and “versions of the truth are mistruths”. I feel all of a sudden that there is one answer and we may not be able to see it in the same way, we may not be able to express it in the same way, but some of us are able to encounter it once, or even several times in our lifetime, if not in other lifetimes, if such thing exists. The sudden realization that there is actually a purpose, a meaning to it all, and that we are not all thrown into chaos, and life is not meaningless, that the movements of this great symphony are all important, that all choices, that all decisions, that all of the things that we do, play an important part in the universal scheme. I have this sudden epiphany that as small as we all are, and as small as all of our actions are, they are all important in the big mathematical equation of all universe, multiverse, or all-existence; that in every step we make we define the next scene, the next note, the next movement.
I feel that there is some sort of connectedness between all humans, and all nature, and all elements in this all-existence if not multi-verse, and we are all important. I believe this connectedness is lived, perceived, felt, through love, that is not just sexual, or just a familial love, but it’s more universal, and more all-encompassing. I believe that the love we have for the people we meet, that take essential part in our lives connect us in a thread that spurs the continuity of our existence. There is a time-space continuum that we as humans are unable to comprehend rationally, but yet by instinct, in our subconscious, maybe when we’re asleep dreaming, maybe when we listen to a piece of music that just sounds so familiar, maybe when we fall in love with who we call our soulmate, or the beautiful creature we bring to life, maybe when we encounter a stranger’s eyes, we know, without knowing, that we are all connected. We are all in a theatre experiencing the same theatrical piece together, we’re all notes of the same symphony, drops of the same ocean, molecules of the same formula, stardust of the same stars. Suddenly, all limitations are just illusions that we create to make sense of our world, but in fact there are no limits. Suddenly, all is blurred, and with our lover’s kiss, in a perfect orgasm, through the eyes of our creation, a culmination of a symphony or song, we are able to capture that truth, that we are all part of one and the same.
My sudden realization if I can make any sense of it all, is that we humans owe our lives to each other, and that we need to play the role we are meant to play. There are some of us that get to win this sixth sense for even just a moment and want to share it with the rest, the idea, the universal truth of love, because there is no other human word or conception that can describe this greatness but love, that this love is so important and without it there wouldn’t be nothing. In our human world, we try to make sense with our limited brain, with our limited categorizations, conceptions, ideas, names, mathematic formulas of what’s around us, but there is one thing in our limitation that we are able to do, to express this connectedness, this feeling of greatness, that is barely seeable in a single dejavu, or twitch of an eye, let alone all-comprehensible, and that is to love one another. There is nothing more spiritual, more transcendent, and yet worldly than love. Is only through love that we are able to overcome our limitations and see the beautiful truth of life, of existence, well if not to see, to just have a glimpse in a little window opening of the universal truth.
I am able to see a new world, a world of the future for us, but a world that still exists in the greatness of it all, where empathy connects us all even more, that we are able to surpass our differences, and by love comprehend our similarities. I know I cannot reach this world through a time machine, but just maybe by writing and thinking about it. Someone else can reach this world with music, with a film, a book, a poem, a painting, or just a single simple dream. I believe that we are incomplete until we see the big complete picture and let go of our limitations. There is only one way that we can fly and that is by letting ourselves go.
In this realization of truth and universality, that is just a feeling, just a thought, just a glimpse into the grand picture, that I’m sure will leave me once again as I am suddenly swallowed by the Earth’s gravity, I want to live a fingerprint, a memory, a purpose, because there must be a reason, there must be one, for why I am able for just one moment to see with such clarity, and that I must continue the journey that my limited brain has so hopelessly tried to conceive. I do know that our life on earth is so short, and yet I feel that it continues after we leave, and it has started before we were born. I want to continue to spread the truth about love, about acceptance, about comprehension, about loving one another without prejudice, without anguish.
To be able to overcome our limitations, we must know what our limitations are. From the moment we are born, a genetic compound has limited our abilities and we can’t go further than we are “written” as, and a domino effect of events set from who knows when has if not pre-determined, set in motion our paths in life, and most important the amalgamation of choices to choose from. The future already exists as time is limitless, and yet it doesn’t mean that we have to sit on our laps and wait for it to happen, we are still given free will to make our choices, to decide our path. It has all happened, all will happen, all is happening at the same endless, continuous unfractured time, and yet we are still expected to contribute in this great scheme of things with our choices, with our actions, with our energy, with our love.
We may live in the dimension that includes all, in a transcendental truth that we cannot grasp alone, but as a unity of things we do, and yet we also live in this limited sphere of identity, of individuality, of ego, that we create. It’s by knowing what these limitations of chance and fate and choices that we are able to comprehend how to surpass these limitations. If we were born poor and violence was thrown upon us at an early age, it’s only by comprehending the wounds afflicted on us that we are able to learn to heal. It’s by understanding where our prejudice comes from that we can be able to be judgment-free. Our enemies are our friends, but most important they are us. We need to suddenly understand that as we are “I”, we are most important “we”, that the one and the all come together;  that, is the universal truth. In this earthly earth of limits what is your individual purpose, what is your path, what are your choices, where do you come from and where do you want to go? A sixth sense it’s reached from time to time when we are able to understand that borders, and confinements and chains are only illusions. I am not saying we will be able to let go of those chains, because we are contained in bottles in this life by our own consciousness, and we are unable to truly let go of this illusion, and yet by imagining and letting our imagination free we can if not grasp, again get a glimpse, or a sense of this universality in which we belong. In our limits, the best way to live as all, and make this life matter (a life that already matters, but why not matter in a positive way), is by loving a stranger, as much as loving our closest souls.
I wouldn’t dare to tell anyone what to think, how to feel, or how to live their lives, but I would dare to just say one thing, that it is possible to feel more complete, and for a lack of a better world, happier, or more at peace, accomplished, well-adjusted, realized, by being less egotistic, by being more empathic, by trying to understand that the importance of the other is equal to our own. And it’s so much easier to be happier, more complete, more well-adjusted, when we accept the differences, when we love them even, when we forgive and when we heal our own wounds, and expand our own hearts.
I believe, or think, or conceptualize in my tiny little head and consciousness, that all universal truth it’s hidden within ourselves, even though we are built in a way that we cannot grasp it all, and I believe that when we use our primary instincts, and act as our, traditionally speaking, hearts tell us to, we are doing the right thing, and we are playing a good role in the greater scheme. It is what we feel it’s right that it’s a message from the multiverse, from the all-existence, not what we’ve been told by religious institutions, cultural and social norms. Let yourself go and understand how beautiful everything and everyone is, just the way they are, and how beautiful we all are when we appreciate, comprehend, and accept each other, but most importantly when we appreciate, comprehend, and accept ourselves. This is the formula to let all the pieces within come together, and then in a further step the piece of our own self come together with all pieces in One.
In the end what I believe in wholeheartedly, subconsciously and consciously, physically and transcendentally, is, that we all, humans, and animals, and all life form, and all stardust, and all matter and anti-matter, together, without exception, we all make up this greatness of all-existence “entity”, and for a lack of a better word, I believe that this is what we all try so hard to call as God. The biggest blasphemy for every religious person, but also atheist person like I dare to still call myself as I don’t really know how else to describe my feelings about this topic, is exactly this one my dear fellow passengers, that I and you, and all of it all are particles of God, that there is no one big consciousness, but it’s the union of us all, of a consciousness cut apart into infinite number of pieces, each holding one piece of the puzzle of the universal truth, we are all God, together we are God, and by love we are able to synapse these little particles and make the work stay complete.
If there is a lesson I can write in this babbling between thought and communication of thought, realization of truth and losing the foresight, is that it’s only through love for eachother and for everything and everyone that surrounds us that we can reach God, because that is the moment we can feel the union with this big All-Existence, that is the moment we synapse more intensely. Take the time to love a cloud, the sun, your hair and skin, your pet, your neighbor, your drink, your dreams. Take the time to try and understand the other person’s “Ego” and empathize and feel and understand that you are part of God. 

Dec 26, 2012

The generation that sold the world


Sometimes I just think and believe it in my very bones, that nothing, absolutely nothing that surrounds me is real. My memories seem so fake, as if someone planted them in my head this very morning. I used to be a little child being happy when my dad brought me chocolate after he came back from work, and so extremely sad for the loss of a coffee cup, I accidentally broke. I remember when I used to be so happy in the end of the year time, with Christmas and this incredible Santa Claus films coming up, believing so badly that Santa must exist, while knowing that he doesn’t. I used to be so happy and couldn’t wait to use my gifts, and to be fresh and new from the January 1st. I can remember the smell of roses in the pages of my first diary that was given to me in the New Years of so many and many years ago. And the contest to stay up the latest, because the New Years was the only night we could stay up as much as we wanted. And watching so many movies on the telly the very next day. And the funny sketches put on for our family pleasure that very night waiting for the New Year. And the ample table with the best foods and the best drinks to make us fuller than ever. And the family sitting all together eating the leftovers on January 1st in the morning, near noon time. And the house so clean and beautiful with the Christmas decorations, and best tablecloths and carpets reserved only for that time of the year. Oh those memories, are they really mine? I feel as if I saw them in a film some time ago, but mine they do not feel at all.
People I loved, I’ve kissed, I’ve laid with, were they really real, because it really feels as if they never ever were in my life, but in a Dark City kind of conspiracy they were implanted on me this very morning. I don’t feel a thing, nothing at all. I am here, the most bored I’ve ever been in my entire life, for the first time feeling nothing but nothingness, expecting the new year without expectations, knowing that it will all be shitty just the same, that poor children will still be dying of cold and hunger, and junkies, and alcoholics, and sick people, and poor people will be discriminated against just the same, and there will still be wars, and still teenagers killing themselves for them, and there will still be fucking politicians breeding us for the next election and/or war just like cattle, and there will be religious people using religion to feel better than others, and hate and discriminate and torture their brothers, and there will be haters, and there will be sickness, and there will be death, and there will be Nicki Minajes and there will be crappy films that make so much money at the box office, and there will be crappy books read, and good books unread, and people going number and number in the TV and internet era, forgetting about love and emotions, going numb with the latest technology, going robotic, Orwell fashion, and there will be just pain, and numbness which is worst than pain.
Fuck it all, I’m just sitting here knowing that the next year will be just as fucked up as this one was. Knowing that there will be no more humanity and we’re losing it all every time a new Apple product comes out, and every time a new shitty film and artist makes billions and trillions. And we’re sitting here thinking how we just escaped another apocalypse while I think we’re all floating heads in a bleak universe and some genies are sucking our blood dry as we are hypnotized by the new marketed sensation. And I’m sitting here thinking how much we have devolved. How there is so much sex but no love. How not even drugs or alcohol can do the trick anymore to create an illusion that we’re humans. We’re not humans at all. We’re just robots being created one by one, androids for the next generation’s war, and the next generation poisoned breed. We pass the poison from blood to blood, and we don’t even see this virus that has killed the homo sapiens in us. A next beer, a next hangover, a next apple product, and a next child dying from starvation, and we don’t feel it, or know it. Heroin is our little youtube videos, and films, and natural pastimes that make us forget the reality of the pain within us and outside of us.
And I’m sitting here thinking what’s next knowing how my soul is turned to gangrene little by little, feeling the cancer multiply and take little by little what’s left of my ability to feel. As I was a child once, but I don’t remember, and I don’t even think that there are children today. We killed the child in the child and the child in ourselves. We who? The society, the governments, aliens, who fucking cares, conspiracy theories they are all bullshit. Does it matter where the evil comes from, when the true problem is that it has already well implanted itself on our very blood, on our DNA and it multiplies like spores.  It’s poison this reality we built for ourselves of fake friendships and material loves. Everything is marketable, even your mother and father that brought you to this fucked up hell of an earth. Everything is for sale, everything can have a cute little label of advertising on it, as long as you sell another piece of your soul to get it. You think the 70s youth was poisoned with drugs? Heroin and cocaine and LSD and whatever was passing out for a cure back then, in the era of “Make love not war”, while passing on the weed, while leaving the events happens as they would, all those poisons were nothing in comparison to the fat, gangrenous, cancerous, fake sugared poisons of a consumerist life we live today. Bits and pieces of decaying skin and bones fall out from our burned out souls.  In the conveyer line of meaningless jobs, we fill up the visas in one stop and go piss it all in the toilet of some new Walmart or Apple Store. We’re worse than the decadent era, or the Lost Generation, we’re worse than our Communist robotized parents. We are so convinced of our freedom of choice, but as George Carlin said, to paraphrase, is that we have so many choices for things that do not matter when nothing is left on us to decide on things that do. We’re dying out as a race. An evil witch is feeding us with candy while warming up the stove where she will cook us crispy. We’re food, and we are willingly going towards the wolf’s mouth.

And as I’m sitting here, listening to music nobody ever listens to anymore, at least in this shitty place where I live in they try to call a town, I’m sure nobody will ever listen, nobody will ever care, nobody will ever read, the last laments and rage and rants of the last romantic burned out and lost and decayed, waiting for the final years of running against the Nazi line, trying not to get caught as much in the spider net, trying to escape knowing that the end is near. I know we all have too much to lose, too much candy in our teeth to see the stove burning our sister and brother next to us. Pupils shrinking as a last shot of the buy or die heroin spikes into our veins, as poetic Lou would say, we become corpses, zombies walking on this earth as a very bitter memory of what we used to be, of what we could have been. We are the men and women who sold the world, that is what our generation will be remembered as.
As our tables are ample with foods and drinks and joy of more stuff we do not actually need maybe some of us feel guilty enough to give a little something to that little beggar, or give gift cards for a charity to our friends instead of a present, knowing very well that the very next day we’ll go about our business. All new shiny technology we live today, a cure for the sickness of our earth, we used it all to satisfy our endless greed, and numb our humanity. The earth is less than half a glass empty. And as I am sitting here decaying just the same I contemplate about the last years of humanity on Earth, I contemplate about our generation, that will be known as the last link of evolution, the generation that could have had it all, but it sold itself for the last shot of poison, the generation that atrophied, the generation that overdosed the human out of us. I contemplate about the end of days, not in the biblical sense, in a much worse way. Well you wanted your Zombie apocalypse Internet Dudes, but the damn thing is here, it’s been here for quite some time with us. We are the generation of the apocalypse of the human soul. Humanism is dead. This is the end, my only friend, the end… 

Nov 15, 2012

I support gay rights, but I'm not gay, seriously I'm not gay

I support gay rights, but I'm not gay, seriously I'm not gay.......As if there really is such a need to mention that last part. But most of the people in Bikini Bottom (the non-logic country) that is Albania do not come out and say it that they support gay rights, because they are afraid that if they do so, people will think they are gay. Why else would you talk about such a controversial topic if it doesn't personally concern you, right?

It is kind of difficult to believe that the US still has issues with being gay, so I shouldn't be surprised that my country, which is literary in the end of the world, doesn't really give a damn about gay rights.
When gay rights issues were discussed on parliament some time ago, because well it's one of the issues that EU has thrust upon us if we will be considered to join the dying International "State", politicians would giggle, and make fun of whatever was being said. When the LGBT group of Albania decided to do some sort of Parade, actually just a gathering, every other topic like corruption, economy, unemployment were thrown out of people's minds, and everyone was so concerned with this embarrassing parade. They were afraid that Gay men would circle around town dancing to Madonna and Lady Gaga, in pink thongs or something, even though the LGTB group had stressed more than enough that the parade was going to be just a peaceful gathering to talk about this important topic of recognition of human rights in our country. A politician proclaimed on the telly that if his son would happen to be gay he would shoot him. Very controversial stuff!!!

The public opinion in a country with a very family (ancient family) oriented culture, a culture so obsessed with the social notion of "shame" that can't simply do anything to go forward, is pretty much impossible to accept such "advanced" issues as gay rights. Very few people have come out to the media, and very little support has been given to them. The notion of shame is very important in this culture. One cannot simply express what they think, what they want, what they love, or who they love in this culture, for fear of what the family, or the neighbors might think. If the young people do not care about the social convention of "shame", their parents most certainly do, so if they want to live freely, they will have to be separated from their family. The social conventions of family and shame are way too important in this culture, therefore the gay phenomena in Albania is trapped under a very intricate spider web.

Of course the fight deserves to be fought. In the US very recently the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" rule of the military that required gay people to shush about their orientation if they wanted to join the troops was repelled, and the President proclaimed for the first time in history that he was pro gay marriage, and lastly, we see companies like UPS, pulling out of the Boy Scouts that to this day continue to have a version of the "Don't Ask Don't Tell". In the US when Ellen Degeneres came out of the closet, there was so much controversy about it, today, she is the new Oprah, one of the most beloved people of day time TV, and one of the most influential people in the US. When she came out in the late 90s, people were infuriated: "Do what you want to do, but don't be public about it". Now the controversy has calmed down, and the opinion has shifted. There were so few gay characters on TV, first Ellen, and later Will & Grace (who were also controversial at the time). And now we have  Glee, Modern Family, The New Normal, Grey's Anatomy, Gossip Girl, to mention a few. Even Anderson Cooper, one of the most beloved CNN reporters suddenly came out. The public opinion has largely shifted in the US. Remember the film Philadelphia, with Tom Hanks, what people used to think about gay people in those times? Well, the times they are a changing, to put it in Dylan words. So why give up, why not talk about these topics in Albania, or in any other country where it's so impossible to believe that the public opinion would ever shift? If the very religious US is so close to winning the gay rights war, hey maybe in 20 years we'll be there too. So even though the public opinion is really awful in Albania, I am sure that one day it will change.

So yes, if you are at least a little human, why not come out of the closet, and I am not talking about the coming out of gay people, I am talking about coming out as gay rights supporters. Stop being afraid that people will think that you are gay because you support gay rights, and stop stressing and mentioning a million times, that you are not gay, we know it and we don't care.

The last time I went to a gay rights event with a friend my father freaked out, thinking what will his friend think about me if they find out. You know what? My life is really easy since I was born to be attracted to people of the opposite sex, as the society in which I live in preaches. My friends who do not have the same privilege, who have been even forced to take hormonal remedies by their families to be "cured" do not have the same luck. So I am once again not afraid of a little bit misunderstanding. I have been supporting gay rights from an early age and I always will. Just because it doesn't concern me personally it doesn't mean that it doesn't concern me. Would you say the same thing to a German of the 1930s, "hey you are not a jew, so why would you support jews, and try to save them from the Nazis?" It is the same thing. We live in a world of hatred rather than in a world of love, and the world will not change until we speak up and come out and say:

I am a gay rights supporters, Are you?

Nov 14, 2012

The Time Of Innocence

There is an Iconic film from the 1980s called  è La Boum. In Italian, it was translated into Il Tempo Delle Melle, meaning The Time of Apples. Ever since I heard this phrase for the first time, it has come to be a symbol in my mind, of the Time of Innocence, the time of first classroom loves, the time of "he loves me, he loves me not daisy petal trials", the time we took the first bite of love, and it was so very easy to fall in love.
I had my share of first loves. It was really easy to fall in love back then. I wouldn't even think about my love becoming requited or dating the object of my love. It was all about the feeling, standing at the window in the middle of the night looking at the moon, knowing someone was in my thoughts warming my heart. It was a special breeze of poems and old cheesy soundtracks. It was a love with love. It was about catching him smile, about liking the same silly things, about sharing a walk together, or maybe even holding hands. Nervous ticks, crying endlessly in my pillow over silly things, laying in the grass watching the sun sink into the rosy clouds, smelling the seasons pass by and thinking about the next time we’d meet, that's what it was about. It was not a love of possession, not a love of passion, nor a love of commitment.

On some level I think I have been chasing fruitlessly that true love concept of the early bloom for years, never to find it again. I’m not sure whether I look for love in the wrong places, if we live in a time where we fear intimacy, or really there is no time of innocence anymore because I am not that little girl daydreaming on my way to school about endless scenarios of adventures and travels. Does experience really kill the romance? Is it that we always want more and more, our standards rise after disappointment and disappointment, or is it that the chemical reaction of the brain in love seizes to infect us, as if we’d acquired immunity against love? Why is it so difficult to pursue love, why is it so difficult to find love, why is it so impossible to really and truly fall in love anymore?

One of my girlfriends says she has a new crush every week. She tells me that it’s just for fun, but I don’t really see her pursue any of those crushes. I think at some level she likes the feeling of being in love, but she knows to herself how any of those crushes would actually end up. She has seen her fair of disappointment, of things not turning out to be as rosy as they look. All women want in the end is the Prince to come and rescue them. When we see that our friend found the frog that turned into a prince, while we see every prince turn out into a frog, the disappointment, the trust, the ability to fall in love, believe in love once again just falls apart. My friend, she says every time she just wants to have fun, she’s not looking for a serious relationship or anything, and then the next day she reveals she wants it all, she wants the dream, the fairytale, the prince to come and rescue her, to be with her forever and love her and her and no one else. Don’t we all want the same? It’s not our fault. It’s Disney’s fault really, it’s our mothers’ fault, RomCom’s fault, childhood fairytales' fault. If we knew how the actual tale of the Mermaide ended up, would we really go after the prince so enthusiastically? She was willing to sacrifice everything for the Prince who abandoned her and in the end she was turned to foam. What about Cinderella? What did she and the Prince really have in common? Most probably they would be fighting on sociopolical issues, she being poor her whole life, with socialist tendencies, and the spoiled Prince an extreme capitalist. We never know what happens after the Happy Ever After, do we?

Let me tell you what happens. Sometimes passion burns out and you don’t even recognize the love that was anymore, and you try so hard to keep the relationship going. Sometimes he cheats on you. Sometimes you become a changing-diapers mother, while he enjoys the fun with his friends; you become a wife. Even those who found the frog turn into a Prince, saw the Prince become a frog back again. Princes don’t stay princes forever.

And yet knowing that, we still pursue love? Why do we? It’s all a lie and yet it’s what we all want. We want the knight in the shining armor to come and protect us, be our partner, love us, care for us, never want to go away.

But really to girls like me, the fear of what happens after, when the relationship becomes maybe too consumed it’s not even in the picture. I have experienced a few loves and a few awful encounters in life with men, but I don’t think I was ever loved by any of them, truly. To me dating it’s impossible. I don’t believe anymore in the fairytale. The fear that the next guy who will smile at me will convince me with his charm that he is enchanted by me, and leave me as soon as I have fallen for him, it’s too strong to let my heart, or that part of the brain loose. I have once again raised immunity for the fear of becoming again a stupid wreck who forgets her pride and begs for attention from the one my brain is telling me I cannot live with. I feel that without love, I have barely any motivation and inspiration to enjoy the little things in life, and pursue the big goals, but I feel that I cannot handle the disappointment once again.

I know why it’s not easy to fall in love like it used to. We took our fair share of an apple bite, and the apple had a worm in it that bit us back. We took our fair share of an apple bite, and it was poisoned by the evil witch of reality. We took our fair share of an apple bite and we were the ones punished for the sin and thrown out of Eden.

Yes we do want the fairytale back, but our hearty brain has become a brainy brain as well out of the toughness of experience. Some of us have a new crush we don't pursue every new week. Some of us fall in love with tv characters and we pray they get together as if our lives depended on it. Some of us fight to renew the burned out romance for the umpteenth time. Some of us go for an Eat Pray Love spiritual journey thinking how we may find that "true love" unexpectedly. We all pursue the lie that our brained up hearts know too well isn't there anymore. The time of innocence has really gone. The modern woman who applies her make up, puts on her heals and goes out in clubs, work, dating sites, to find her soulmate, really knows that she can't really fall in love as easily as in The Time of Apples. She knows the next guy she'll meet will see her as a passing fling while he's looking to marry a 20 year old Victoria Secret model, until he substitutes her for the next young flawless thing. She knows she is pursuing Hugh Grant in Notting Hill, but she will find Hugh Grant in real life, but she still powers up to find love with all the serious damage of Hollywoodian chick flicks have done to her. Even the emotionally disattached woman who just wants a friend with benefits will find love in the end, (Hollywood told us that), and the forever bridesmaid never bride, will find her Prince too. The modern woman unlike the modern man has been hurt and disappointed so many times, but she still, even when so deeply punished by God for eating the forbidden fruit, she still pursues happiness in the real world. 

However difficult it is to fall in love when the man of reality is not the man of the fairytales, not even close, the woman of the The Time of Decadence, pursues again the Time of Apples, The Time of Innocence, relentlessy, endlessly!